I went to church on Sunday because my mom sent me a cool looking catholic church via text. Facing church is a trigger I have been putting off for awhile because it forces me to deal with my past.
I left within 5 minutes of the service beginning.
I was uncomfortable walking into the church. The music was too loud. The motions were rehearsed. The words spoken meant nothing to me as I robotically recalled each line archived in my brain from the 20 years of going to church every weekend.
Even the smell flooded my mind with reminders of my innocence. How naïve I was.
I have found humankind mask the greatest evils with cross in one hand and an olive branch in the other while sitting inside a building.
The last time I used free will to go to church was in 2018 while I was in Oklahoma. Nobody in the Midwest would think twice about questioning a young lady on her relationship with a church. I can't put a number to how many times I was asked, "Have you found a church yet?" (Heaven forbid you say no.)
My parents constantly put pressure on me to go to church and be more catholic. I was hoping after I was married to Pat, they respect my life decisions about not partaking in traditional faith practices. But nope.
When I called my dad to tell him I was casted on a show, the conversation seemed distracted on his end. I finally just had to say "What is it." With an open innovation, my dad instantly goes in on telling me I should go to confession before I leave for filming.
In an ideal world, when I asked my dad what's going on, he would have told me how proud he is of me. He would recognize that I am a fighter and clever. He would acknowledge my determination. But nope.
I don't disagree with my parent's believes because its theirs.
Who am I to tell someone (even my parents) to accept me and my life choices? My family doesn't owe me anything. If they want to set boundaries, then I respect that as long as it is communicated in a honest way.
**Back to the part of the story where I dipped out of church then proceeded to ugly cry in a bush...
There is a catholic prayer called the Penitential Act. There's a line, "...forgive me for I have sinned. Through my thought, through my word, through my acts, through my fault, through my most grievous fault."
Instantly after saying those words I had a flashback to when I reported the assault at work to HR.
I remember sitting in a conference room in the front office. My boss on the other side of a large circular table over 10 feet away.
He asked me, "What did you do to make 'him' think it was okay to touch you? 'He' is saying you led him on. Did you lead him on?"
I was a 24 year old single blonde cyclist being a successful engineer making $82,000 salary. That's what I "did" to lead a mentally ill drug abuser on. My boss was trying to subconsciously tell me it was my fault for putting myself in a position to be assaulted.
I asked for help. I told my parents. My dad (who is also a manager) literally said, "I'd fire you and 'him' and just be done with the whole thing." Then the conversation about church came back but even more aggressive. My dad was implying if I went to church more often, I would have had some kind of holy spirit protection.
But there is no god in manufacturing. Where there is money to be made, god does not exist. I was destined to be damned in a world of damnation.
Don't think I didn't pray. I prayed. A lot. But prayers don't vocalize themselves.
My podcast evolved from telling my story to recognizing questionable actions displayed by the management at the whiskey distillery. I started voicing my concerns on an episode titled "Toxic Dick Problems" about the well being of the workforce and myself.
This was recorded May 6th 2021.
Here's the timeline leading up to my termination:
Friday June 18th- I finished training the last of the staff and team leads as per scheduled
Sunday June 20th- I completed my Olympic triathlon.
Monday June 21st- I took off so I could hang out with my parents (they came to watch me compete)
Tuesday June 22nd- I am suspended pending investigation with no warning
Thursday June 24th- I am fired by phone call while I am smoking a joint with my 65 year old bestie
I didn't seek out an audience. My podcast information was completely separated from my social media. People had to be stalking me to find my podcast.
While I was training the operation's supervisors, I learned his dirty little secret. Ironically, the person who told me the ops manager's secret is the same person who told the manager I knew his secret. The manipulation is incredible!
The operations manager found my podcast in May. I'm assuming he didn't know I can see who viewed my episodes.
HR waited until I was done training to fire me and 4 days before bonus payout so I would be ineligible. Too add insult to injury, I was fired the same day I listed my house in Oklahoma, and that whole ordeal was a nightmare.
Thanks guys for really fucking me over.
I know I could very easily sue for wrongful termination. But this is beyond an attorney. This is a personal vendetta.
As God as my witness, I will have my retribution.
Until the next post